run this by me again

I’m confused here. I dislike the way that I look because I was trained to dissect my appearance and all of my mannerisms against a standard created via computer technology by already rich people who wanted to buy even bigger yachts. Now, I am supposed to forget all about years of emotional torment - or rather, “process” years of emotional torment - and grow as a person? Am I getting this? Because this all seems like mumbo jumbo to me.

Why was I taught to hate myself? Why do I mostly feel indifferent about it at this point? The self-hatred is so familiar that I have to actively remind myself that it is hurtful to me. Is this numbness permanent? The idea that I will forever be this numb to insulting myself and continue to eat a steady diet of hatred scares me.

My stretch marks also scare me, mostly because I fear that they are a sign that no one will ever find me desirable just as my childhood peers said. Those peers were not the only ones though. I have also seen nearly every woman I have ever come into contact with speak the exact same way. Where do I go from here? How do I escape this? Is there any alternative?

I’m confused. Trying seems futile. Giving up seems bleak.

x