When Inspiration Strikes & Misses

I have felt a lot of pressure to change the world. It sounds grandiose when I write that on paper, but I think a lot of other people might put that same pressure on themselves. We collectively talk about how we don’t want others to experience the pain we have been through as though we have some sort of insight that will protect them. We obsessively try to prevent pain in ourselves and others instead of acknowledging the universal nature of it.

I have experienced common – read “millennial” & “first world”- forms of pain avoidance in my life; namely, binge eating and self-isolation. Ironically, those patterns have proven to be significant sources of pain in my life. There’s a bit of an evil that you know is better than evil you don’t know energy. I have reached a point where the pain of the habits I use to avoid pain are now more painful than the pain I’m avoiding. Talk about revelations I could do without.

For example, I have avoided most social interactions outside of my family for the past year. I wanted to protect myself from judgement and speculation about what happened with my graduate program, my subsequent depression, and my shame about it all. It worked. I protected myself from my (mostly) unsupportive friendships. Now, I’m dealing with persistent loneliness. I haven’t addressed yet that the foundations of the friendships in my life cause me to feel discouraged and unsupported within them. Now, I don’t know if I will ever return to them.

The friendships themselves were to mask my loneliness among other people. Years of bullying has made nearly everyone seem untrustworthy. I’m consistently on edge, fearing public humiliation is one glance away.

I didn’t know I was living in a box until I bumped my head on the ceiling. I don’t mind the walls, but I have to be able to at least stand up straight. I don’t fit into the life I created for myself. It is too restrictive. I would have to retreat back into restrictive eating, monitoring every word I speak, and apologizing for every breath I take. That sounds a lot more painful that opening up.